Overcoming Binge Eating and Body Dysmorphia.
Join me on my journey to overcoming binge eating and body dysmorphia. A very raw and open blog...
Disordered eating is so often misunderstood, stigmatised, or simply not talked about.
Never did I think I would be one to suffer from an eating disorder or struggle with my mental health. As far as I was aware, that simply would just never happen to me. Well I was wrong, so very wrong.
Coming from a Greek family, I LOVE food...who doesn’t! I was brought up constantly being told to ‘eat more’ and for years, I never even thought twice about what I was eating let alone how much I ate. Food was just food. One cupcake became two and two became three. Happy, sad, bored, lonely and unsure if I was even hungry, I would eat. Food became my emotional escape.
Binge Eating Disorder wasn't even a thing back then. The disheartening responses after hopelessly trying to express my struggles to people who I thought might just understand… ‘Oh stop it, I do the exact same thing', ‘Everyone binge eats’, ‘Why can’t you just control yourself?’ - I wasn’t understood. It has taken me months to process and research into Binge Eating Disorder. I recognised the nightmare cycle and how much it resembled my entire life. From restricting my cravings all week, to eating until my body physically could not take any more, to punishing myself the following day by starving. And then the cycle repeats. I wish I had the words to describe how hollow a feeling like that is. Ashamed yet helpless is exactly what I was and to be very honest, sometimes still am as this is a fight I am still very much battling.
Having an eating disorder can be a lonely experience at the best of times. But imagine if, despite having a medical diagnosis, you felt you were at the back of the queue because you weren’t worthy enough of help; because clinicians didn’t think your case was serious enough. This is the unfortunate reality of so many people, including myself, diagnosed with an eating disorder whose condition doesn’t fall into the familiar classifications of anorexia or bulimia.
Being given a diagnosis does not make you feel good about yourself. Nor does trying to explain to people how you feel when they think your problem can’t be that serious because it doesn’t fall under the ‘classic’ eating disorder category.
Almost as though the word ‘disorder’ is not enough, not valid enough to excuse your pattern. A pattern that most people claim to have. Binge Eating Disorder is very much overlooked, stigmatised and simply not spoken about. Bingeing is a fundamentally misunderstood act. Culturally it is seen as evidence of a lack of willpower or self-control; it’s wrapped up in the idea of 'good' and 'bad' foods and is embedded in the structure of diet culture.
Is it Binge Eating Disorder or is it something else?
Binge eating disorder is both under-diagnosed and yet the most prevalent eating disorder. In fact, there are 2.5 times more people with binge eating disorder than with anorexia and bulimia combined. When we are willing to acknowledge that binge eating disorder is a real illness, we can also be willing to do the work necessary to beat it.
For most it’s a ritual that happens when they are all alone, a letting go, a release. A time to be alone, to not be bothered, to totally shut their minds down.
For me, food is constantly at the forefront of my mind. It is exhausting. To want to be in a calorie deficit in order to lose the weight I desire however then not fuelling my body correctly and causing the binge cycle to commence. Sneaking in an extra plate of dinner or an extra row of chocolate when my partner isn’t watching just to save the guilt - because if nobody sees it, the better you feel… right?
Trying to get smaller, eating less than your body wants, you completely disregard your body’s natural hunger signals. You begin to disregard all of your own needs. You stop eating when you’re hungry, you don’t stop eating when you are full. It was and still is a constant cycle of binging, guilt, shame and perfectionism.
Here are some of the symptoms of Binge Eating Disorder:
Frequent overeating, at least once a week for three months
Eating until feeling uncomfortably full
Eating large amounts of food when not physically hungry
Eating alone because you are embarrassed at how much you are eating
Feeling disgusted or guilty after eating
Body Dysmorphia.
Body Dysmorphic Disorder is a mental health disorder in which you can't stop thinking about one or more perceived defects or flaws in your appearance - a flaw that appears minor or can't be seen by others. But you may feel so embarrassed, ashamed and anxious that you may avoid many social situations.
BDD is not about insecurity, however, at the core. Body Dysmorphia is a disordered way of viewing the self and the body of the self. Insecurity plays a part, but it is not an obsession with insecure feelings and a need to control.
I catch myself mindlessly scrolling through Instagram watching every single ‘what I eat in a day’ video just to feel some sort of normality, to see if I really am alone. Purposefully searching for girls, stick thin girls with the ultimate ‘dream’ body to compare myself to them and put shame on my body.
I was aware from an early age that self-image issues plagued most women, and tried my best to be critical of my conditioning and wary of the signals I received from pop culture. Like anxiety about anything, the severity of my body dysmorphia ebbs and flows in unpredictable ways. I am slowly learning to develop thought habits and behavioural patterns that encourage me to feel more free - not only when it comes to food and body image, but most other aspects of my life.
After working alongside a therapist and a naturopath, these are some of the things that are helping me along on my journey;
1. Practise mindful eating.
Guilt and shame disconnect you from your own natural cues, so to combat them, slow down and refocus. Before taking a bite, pause and take a few deep breaths, observing your emotions and hunger level.
2. Create a positive relationship with food.
Understand that you are a unique person with your own needs and challenges. Don’t overdo the food rules. Learn to trust your hunger and listen to your sense of fullness.
3. Journal your prompts:
What am I craving?
Am I really hungry?
What emotion am I feeling?
Where is this emotion coming from?
Why do I want to binge right now?
What is binging going to solve?
What am I avoiding?
What am I afraid of?
4. Unfollow or mute accounts on social media that can be triggering.
Studies suggest the more time young women spend on social media, the less satisfied they are with their own body. Mindless scrolling invites you to constantly compare your real life to others’ perfectly posed and possibly manipulated selfies.
5. Talk to a professional.
While changing your self-talk can work in some cases, sometimes the voices of guilt and shame are too loud to quiet on your own. Certain red flags can warn you the guilt and shame you are feeling about food might be progressing into disordered eating or an eating disorder.
Disclosure; If you or somebody you know is struggling with disordered eating, please seek the support of a medical professional. Listen to your body - your eating disorder is not invalid just because we supposedly ‘all do it’. The information provided in this blog is not intended to replace medical advice or diagnosis from a physician or other medical provider. I am not a licensed dietician or nutritionist, these are just some methods I have found helped me. Visit www.canopyeds.co.nz or call 0800 2 EDANZ for further advice.